Why Am I So Short and Angry?
by Yojimbra
Summary: Tayuya Self Insert Story, where I Yojimbra the great get hit by a truck and wake up as Tayuya. Now if only I can figure out how to survive the ninja world without dying that would be fantastic. This is going to be a lot harder than it looks, atleast I'm a cute girl! Tayuya x Fem Naruto cause views and other reasons.
1. Hello World! Now Fuck off!

This is going to sound completely cliche, hell the whole thing came out of left field - actually it did come out of left field which was why I didn't see it, what with me being blind in my left eye - but, I Yojimbra, got hit by a truck. Now I know what you're thinking, oh no are you okay? When are you going to update that fem Madara story it's awesome and I wanna see sex?

The answer to those is simple. Yes, I'm fine, and no, I can't update that Madara story because I'm dead. Shocker how getting hit by a truck can kill you. Well, it wasn't so much the truck that killed me as the car that it hit me into did. And despite what all those other anime make it seem like dying sucks. A lot.

But what was I saying? Oh right, nerdy shut-in gets hit by a truck and ends up in another world. A major difference is that this is fanfiction and I know a lot about Naruto. Which means I'm probably going to die. This should be short!

XXXX

I didn't wake up; I went from sleeping to having a heart attack and skipped every single step in between so fast my head nearly grazed the ceiling. For a few moments while my heart ocellated between dead flirting with a hot girl I stood soaking in my surroundings. It was dark, and everything was kind of moist. Hadn't my head just been popped like a cherry tomato on the concrete?

My legs collapsed beneath me and I fell back down onto the bed and took in a great big breath of fresh - albeit stale air - lungs still worked so that was good, and I didn't really feel any pain. Which was weird because the last time I got hit by a car and bounced a few feet - I was a bouncy kid - My leg hurt like hell for like a month.

But oddly I felt really good, I didn't hurt, even the normal things that hurt didn't hurt. Must be the morphine or whatever drug was pumping through my veins. But I also didn't feel like there were any drugs in me, and where was my drip thingy? Or lights?

The room I was in was, cold, dark, mostly made out of stone and other stuff, was this the morgue? Or maybe the mortuary? Was I a zombie? No that wasn't it, the idea of eating a brain still wasn't appealing to me. And I had a heartbeat. And Morals, flexible though they might be.

"Where the fuck am I?"

I blinked and shot out of the bed most uncomfortable bed I've ever been in once more. That wasn't my voice. My voice was… well it was my voice, you know, kind of manly, but also not rugged at all and sounded like if I didn't say something sarcastic in the next two seconds it would physically hurt, which wasn't really the case, I didn't do sarcasm, my sense of humor was just so dry it could catch fire in the middle of the Mariana Trench. I certainly didn't sound like a girl with the cute borderline sexy raspy voice that grated along my spine like a good massage.

One hand went my head, where it found that my face was far less hairy that I normally kept it - normally out of laziness - but it was also thinner - again, lazy - and my hair was far longer than it normally was - you guessed it lazy. But it was my other hand that found something that was more than a little shocking. Boob. It found boob. I'm not one to complain about grouping boob, but there's something to be said about reaching over and finding out that I'm not a uh, let's see if a Double D felt like that then this must be a B-cup? C if I'm lucky? I'm a guy, and just because I loved boobs did not mean I had a degree in boobology.

Needless to say, what I did next did not surprise me in the least. I found my other boob and bounced them. Yep. They were boobs, attached to me, and I was also a lot skinnier than I remember. I really didn't need to check to see if I still had a penis.

I was very much aware that I was now dickless.

Okay, so let's go down the checklist, I'm not dead despite vivid memories of a tire rolling over my face, I'm not in a hospital, and apparently, I'm not a skinny girl with decent boobs. The cold concrete met my bare feet sending a shiver through my body, I stood a lot less tall than I normally did. And I was short for some reason that fact made me a lot angrier than any of the other changes.

"Okay," I tested my new voice out, it was a little rough kind of like a tomboy's voice would be, but still noticeably feminine. Which considering how I used to be a guy and am now a girl in this - wait I should punch my self to make sure it's not a dream. Ouch, yep pinched nipples still fucking hurt - world. Walking was easy and I felt a lot lighter than before.

I might have jumped a few more times than necessary just feeling my new body. Being in shape felt a hell of a lot better than being out of shape. I could touch my toes, grab my foot and put it behind my head while standing, and a push up while doing a handstand. I hadn't been this in shape in ever.

Awesome. So I didn't die and instead got delivered into some super secret government super soldier facility where the major side effect is being turned into a cute girl. Wait, was I even cute? I sounded cute, and had a nice body - look I know it's perverted but really would you do anything different? Besides freaking out? - so I was probably cute.

Wait what if I was a redhead? That would be amazing! Hopefully, I'm a redhead.

I needed light and a mirror. Let's see, oh hey, there was a bare lightbulb in the middle of my room with a chain switch dangling nearby. There was a buzz before the light flickered on, and the first thing I did was grab a strand of my hair and squeal in delight when I realized it was a nice ever so slightly unnatural color of red that was just perfect. Hopefully, it wasn't dyed!

My room, or at least what I thought was my room was plain. Just a bed, a couple of lockers, a desk, and a trunk. My clothes were plain, pretty much a dirtier version of a hospital gown, but also softer, like pajamas. Let's see, if I was a mirror where would I be?

Both lockers held nothing but the same brown shirt thing, some shorts, a bunch of sharp looking stuff that kind of looked like Kunai. Then there was also a weird beanie thing with stuff on it, and a bunch of sandals. And way more bandage tape than I'd ever need. Inside the locker was more weapons and like five flutes that shined in the dim light, tried to use them as a mirror didn't work. Then at long lost at the bottom I found a small make-up kit that had a mirror.

I was hot! And young. My face was smooth, free of blemishes. My hair was all kinds of wild and my eyes were still brown and I had a resting bitch face that was terminal - that part's actually normal - but I couldn't help but feel like I've seen this face before.

"Tayuya what are you doing?"

I snapped my head, to see a man with white hair looking at me as he stood in my doorway. It took everything I had not to scream out as the realization slowly built itself up in my mind, it wasn't really the realization that was making me freak out, that just seemed par for the course with being hit by a truck. No, I wanted to scream because Sakkon, looked weird as hell, not as a cartoon.

"What?" He asked touching his face, "Do I have something on my face?"

Well if I'm Tayuya I might as well act the part, good thing my spirit animal is a high school bitch. "No, I just forgot how fucking ugly you are."

His smile faded, And before I knew it his foot came in contact with my face. I heard my neck pop, then crack, and a lot of pain ripped through my head when I crashed against the sharp edge of the box. Apparently, the whole ninja thing actually took a bit of skill that I clearly didn't have because I could only lay there, for a few seconds realizing that I was dead. Again.

Fantastic.


	2. Meeting the Boss

Hi there. So a lot has happened, namely, I've learned like three things.

Thing A, I have no idea how chakra works! This puts me at a severe disadvantage in terms of just living in this world, I mean really I remember there being bears that could eat took shits big enough to live in, not to mention my current occupation was that of henchwoman C meaning my best chance at living was to pull a damsel in distress and then have the good guys fall for me. Kind of like… umm. Look, it's been a while I don't know any evil girls that fell in love with the good guy. But it's a thing! TvTropes says so.

Thing Two, I'm functionally immortal. Well, not actually immortal. I die. A lot. A total of twenty-nine times so far, no life counter popped up so this isn't a gamer fic. But I do respawn in my bed every time, kind of like a checkpoint. Think Edge of Tomorrow, that really bad action movie. Or not. Hmmm, how about Dark souls, but you never get a new checkpoint.

I'm so fucked.

Where was I? Oh, right I'm in Orochimaru's lair following Sakon - and Ukon I guess - to our meeting with Orochimaru. And I was going over the things that I learned. Mental checklists are important.

Anyways, Thing the third. Dying sucks. A lot. It's super painful, and I now have a phobia of feet! I get nervous just putting my shoes on!

As we walked down another needlessly long hallway that was just the right level of dark to be annoying, I kept my eyes forward, hands behind my back trying to act as Natural as possible. Which was rather difficult despite the fact that the movie Mean Girls Staring Lindsay Lohan when she was still hot could double as a documentary on my high school life.

Turns out, you can't really be a bitch when you don't have anything to back it up. I can't even play Tayuya, err, my flute, like at all, well actually I can play it, just bad enough that Sakon threw a Kunai at me. My musical talent is strictly limited to sing up to five terrible songs badly while I showered, and three of them are from Persona five.

If my twenty-nine other deaths didn't give any indication, I'm a terrible Tayuya.

This was actually the farthest I've gotten. Well technically the three times where I tried to escape and died were, but this one was better in that so far I wasn't being hunted by a bunch of murder-happy idiots that think an appropriate response to being called ugly is to kick someone to death.

It's so hard to be a good bitch with no bite to back up my bark. That came out way dirtier than I thought.

"Why are you making faces?" Ukon - told ya he was there - grew out of Sakon's shoulder like a tumor. It was gross. Really gross, like Voldemort in Harry Potter one gross. It was hard to keep down the bile in my stomach and harder not to gag, knowing these violent goons I'd be killed for that.

Needed to remember to be ever so slightly less of a bitch. "I was just wondering how man dicks Kidomaru could jerk off at once."

"Six," Sakon replied. "Seven if blowjobs count."

Ahh yes, this was bringing back the middle school memories now. What the hell was wrong with fourteen-year-olds? Wait, fuck, I was a fourteen-year-old. Shit, I had to go through Puberty again? As a girl? Oh god, I have to find out what a period feels like. This was so not fair.

"I'm thinking Ten." I might have had this exact same conversation years ago when the Sasuke Retrieval Arc firsts started airing. Both heads looked at me one eyebrow raised each. It was so weird to look at, especially when Ukkon just kind of drifted around like it was no big deal to share a body with his brother, bastard was probably just too lazy to walk. "You've seen him shoot his bow with his feet right? Can probably do some kind of spider footjob with those things, then there's one for the mouth, and another in the ass. If you count the sick fuck getting off on all this eleven if we count his own dick."

"So about as many as you can?" Ukon laughed.

I gagged. Despite the fact that I was a teenage girl with more bitch in her than the cheerleading squad of a valley school, the idea of dealing with a dick was still revolting. "Please, I'd rather not puke before we saw Orochimaru, There ain't a single dick in this world I'm going to touch."

"Ehh, not like you could get a dick hard anyways." Ukon shot back.

"Would you two shut it? We're almost there."

Remember how I said that Sakon and Ukon looked gross as hell in 3D?

Orochimaru took that cake and ate it with the ferocity of an anoxic chick that just took a bottle of pills that will make her vomit uncontrollably in twenty minutes. It was a lot easier to tell that his face wasn't really his face, he looked straight out of uncanny valley with the way his face just failed to emulate human emotions.

I know people compared him to Micheal Jackson a lot, but he made MJ look like he didn't have any work done. It was that bad. How could anybody ever consider him human? Yep, I was fairly certain I was going to die here.

"Lord Orochimaru," Kimimaro bowed, everybody else bowed, and I bowed a second later. Hopefully not so slow as to make Orochimaru murder me. Still alive, no tingling in the back of my neck where the curse seal was. So, hopefully, I was good. Just needed to calm down and not fuck it up. Kimimaro coughed once, it sounded moist. "You summoned us?"

Okay, so Kimimaro was still alive that means that we were before the whole chunin exam thing, or at least before her murders the Kazekage, which means, I'm going to die a lot. Let's see, by the time any of this actually happens I need to learn how to maintain the barrier thing, jump thirty feet into the air, plus probably learn to fight, all that just to die when I fight Temari.

Ehh, fuck canon. New plan! Betray Orochimaru as soon as possible join Konoha, and find a cute girl to be in lesbian with. Oh also try to make Narusaku happen. I'd do the whole NaruTayu thing but I like girls. Be awesome if Naruto was a girl, mostly because of the views! Fem Naruto always gets a lot of attention!

"Suna has agreed to my plan," Orochimaru's voice was like the sound you hear when you're alone in the dark. The hairs on my arms turned to barbs, goosebumps festered like a plague across my body, and it felt like my heart was fit to burst from my chest. "I will be taking a team of genin to Konoha, I also wish to take part in the chunin exams myself, And I will have need of you as well."

He stepped off his throne, looming over us like an apostale of death. Even the darkness seemed to tremble at his passing. I didn't dare to look up at him, keeping my head low, and doing everything in my power to stop my arm from shaking. Not reliving this hell was reason enough not to die again.

Every one of his footsteps gave my heart pause, he started with Kidomaro, the furthest one from me, eyeballing him with that empty smile. Each of them received a command, a mission to carry out with death the only reward for failure. Just another way to die, you'd think after thirty deaths I'd stop being afraid of it.

His feet finally stopped in front of me, I could hear the blood rushing through my ears, I had been afraid before, I have phobias, but so to did I have moments of bravery, the same as any person. But all that was laid bare before the raw almost primal fear that I felt from Orochimaru. I needed to run. I needed to get out of here as far and as fast as I can. But the fear kept me grounded frozen in place like a statue.

"Tayuya." Run. Leave. Get out. Now! "Your mission is to learn the Violet Flames Formation,"

Something scholarly? I can do that, just have to learn how to use chakra, and then make a barrier that sets people aflame. Easy stuff.

As with the others, he was no doubt holding a scroll for me to retrieve. I bulldozed past the fear snapping my head upwards, not doing so would mean death. The white hand of death bore a scroll, written in a language that I might not even know how to read.

I looked up and saw nothing but those yellow eyes. The air in my lungs froze in fear, razors sliced along my neck and my back, my arms burned, every single one of my teeth felt like the dentist had forgotton the anesthetic, my stomach churned like it held a sea at storm, sweat as cold as Ice. I couldn't see, I couldn't feel. Everything was spinning.

My heart kept going faster, and faster, and faster. Then it came to a dead stop. I clutched at my chest, trying to get my heart to start again. But nothing happened and the world continued to blacken around me.

Death by heart attack. That was a new one. Dammit, Killing Intent killing people was supposed to a fanon thing to ultra edge Naruto fics.


	3. Screw you guys, I'm going to die

I'm not what you would call a coward, I only walk slightly faster to my car when I'm alone at night, but I'm also not an idiot. Well, I am, but I'm the kind of idiot that thinks, a thinking idiot if you would. What I'm trying to say is that I didn't go back to face Orochimaru.

I'm not sane, but I'm not crazy either. I know that if I piss myself just looking at a dude I should probably stay away from that dude. Which is why I've died twelve times trying to find a way out of this rat maze. And by the way, none of those deaths were fun, and they all sucked, but I managed to worm my way further towards the exit each time. There was probably a metaphor about life in there somewhere, but I'm far to busy trying to get out of here to be metaphorical and any humor in this is purely coming from my own idiocy and sheer panic.

A blinding light beaconed me at the end of the tunnel. Was it heaven? Was this simply my minds fucked up version of limbo and I was finally about to escape it and go to where I nearly belonged?

The tile beneath my foot gave, sinking in a few inches and I felt a lot of pain. My body wouldn't listen to me, I couldn't so much as move my head. I could feel the world growing black and the heat leaving my body. Another death. And so close. So very close to freedom, I could hear the sounds of Nature just a few short steps away, it sounded like a babbling brook filled with all kinds of forest critters.

Wait, no, that was just the sound of my own blood pooling at the floor. My body slowly sliding along the numerous spikes that now impaled my body like bobbing pins. It stopped hurting, death was soon. Really should have expected the third spike trap.

XXXX

My heart was pounding when I woke up again like the past however many deaths I've died so far, I stopped counting after Orochimaru gave me a heart attack - forty-three now, soon to be forty-four - like the whole thing was just one big ole giant nightmare.

The cold floor hitting my bare feet told me otherwise. I knew this room like the back of my hand at this point. I had ten minutes before Sakkon showed up to tell me about Orochimaru's summons, but if I wanted to not go there and die. Again. I had two and a half minutes to leave so that I wouldn't run into Sakkon on my way out. Finally, all those years of playing crappy stealth games where the NPCs follow the same path were paying off!

I still sucked donkey nuts at being a ninja, but even an unskilled slub like me could be a pretty great ninja if he knew exactly what was going to happen, hooray for my decent memory finally being useful for something besides random anime lore and All Star by Smash Mouth.

There were only a few things I could grab before I needed to leave, and fewer still that would be useful. Shoe-sandal-things were the first, then a total of five Kunai, and a flute. That was it, once I was outside I'd have nothing to my name and a seal on the back of my neck that could probably be used to track me. I probably wouldn't even make it outside this time, but I had to keep my hopes up. I couldn't just give up.

Well, I could, but that just ended in me being kicked to death by Sakkon - violent sack of shit.

So in order to not die, I was willing to die. A lot. I missed my computer. And basic shit like google maps. And eating.

Right, shoes on, deal with the fact that I technically hadn't rested or eaten in well over a day at this point once my life wasn't in immediate danger. Which as much as I hated to admit it, was probably when I got to Konoha.

I jogged through the hallways, careful to avoid the drunk henchmen that got a little handsy if I left my room to early, avoiding one death trap after another as I made my way through the twisting corridors of the base. It was mostly just one path that took me towards the exit, Several of the branching paths led to dead ends - both in that they stopped, and ones that killed me - I'd only took a few of them, but the general rule was to go straight whenever possible and go right when I couldn't.

With a Kunai in my hand, I sliced the trip wire that had killed me twice, once finding it, and once trying to disarm it. The walls slapped together with enough speed to rip my arm off if I left it there, my kunai was not so lucky, it was in splinters between the slabs.

Unfortunately, it took thirty seconds for the trap to reset, and it was also loud, which meant it got a lot of attention. The fat one Jiboru would come and see what happened. And he did not like me.

On the plus side, I was actually small and skinny for once in my life, and I was able to squeeze between the slabs and the wall and I was on my way once again.

Third tile from the second door past that trap. One. Two. Three. Jump. The second death trap was cleared. My heart racing as I rounded the corner where I had died minutes ago, the dull glow of outside coming from the other end. Was the spike trap pressure triggered? A tangled mess of tripwires like the first one?

Some jutsu bullshit?

With a breath, I risked it. What's the worse that could happen? I die? Again? Actually yes. That was pretty terrible. I charged at that doorway, the sound of freedom blasting in my ears and a raw excitement that I never knew in my old life lit my very veins on fire.

I flew more than I jumped, clearing the remaining twenty feet between me and that bright portal to the outside in a single leap.

Grass, glorious grass broke my fall as I tumbled along the forest floor. I was on my back staring at a star-filled night sky and a shining moon that was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was almost enough to make me forget what exactly I was doing. Thankfully survival instincts overpowered laziness and I was back on my feet once more moving as far away from that hell hole as I could.

Let's see here, what was I supposed to do if I ever got lost in the woods? Stay still and wait for rescuers. That sounded like a lovely way to die. Okay, so maybe not that. What were my other options? Uhh, fuck I could probably find out which way north was if I knew where the sun would rise from. Or at least get a vague idea.

Konoha was south of the land of rice, assuming that's where I was, looked like there were far too many trees for that. A river, or better yet a road should be my priority. If there was anything useful I learned from my one thousand hours of Civ V it's that cities get a growth bonus when they have fresh water.

"Wonder if they'll need a math teacher?" I mumbled, hearing the sound of my own voice for the first time in several deaths. Damn, I forgot what I sounded like, well what both of me sounded like. The original me, and the me that is currently Tayuya. I liked this voice, it was just cute enough to cover up the bitch that laced my every word like morning dew on a fresh cut lawn.

With no real direction, I just went straight and slightly to the left, using a mountain as my sole point of reference. There had to be something that would give me any clue as to where the fuck I am. But the main problem is that I probably wouldn't even recognize a landmark in 3D instead of just being some background that an intern drew.

In about fifteen minutes I found out what was in the direction I choose. }

It was a bear. Not like a normal bear, or even a big bear. This fucker was massive its head - which considering the size of the lad was a bit small in proportion to the rest of him - was the size of a Honda Fit. He was so large I just assumed it was a fury hill, or maybe someone wanted shag carpet on the outside of their house.

But considering how I passed by a pile of shit that reminded me of Jurassic Park, I probably shouldn't have been so surprised.

Oh, and it ate me. One bite. Didn't even bother chewing. Death by broken bones, suffocation, and stomach acid.

How the hell did normal people survive in Naruto where there were house-sized bears that ate people whole!


	4. Pie

As someone that spent much of their life inside in front of the computer experiencing the great outdoors was refreshing. Or at least it would have been refreshing if every single animal wasn't a try hard dark souls fan. Sure it was nice to feel the sun when it first came up, and even better finally eating some berries - Death forty-nine and fifty-four: poison - then there was the fresh river water - Death fifty-two: giant fish - but I just wasn't really good at the whole nature thing.

At least I hadn't tripped to death so far. Mostly because of how agile my body was! I could do a front flip whenever I wanted! It was awesome despite the fact that the first time I went to the bathroom I pissed on my leg. I'm used to aiming.

I just wished I had food that I knew wasn't going to kill me. The sun was high over my head and I could feel the humidity gathering on my neck. More evidence that I was near, or at least in fire country considering how every nation basically had its own biome, and the land of fires was basically big trees and pretty warm. At least I think. Man, I miss Google.

A thick brush barred my way, leaving me with the option of pushing past it like many adventures would do, or do the lazy option and walk around it. I'd get to the other side eventually. Besides, I might be slightly lost. Which if Pirates of the Carribean was to be believed was how you find something you don't know the way to.

Walking around the bush I let out a yawn, smacking my lips and, I needed to find someplace safe to sleep soon. Which as a cute girl ignorant of the world that on a good day could be called five foot nothing, was probably slightly too difficult. Especially if all those edgy fanon stories are true where every girl has a traumatic rape story hat's magically fixed by Naruto's dick.

Yes, even after all these deaths I'm still salty about random stuff on the internet.

A twenty-foot drop greeted me stretching out for hundreds of feet in both in both directions, barren save for a few stubborn plants that grabbled its sides on a few lofty perches. At its bottom was a dirt road - weeds, grass, and other vegetation grew in the center rigid flanked by hard-packed dirt where people walked and wheels rolled.

My first sign of civilization that wasn't trying to murder me! I'd never been so happy to see a dirt road in the middle of nowhere before. I sprinted down towards the road, my every step carrying the sound of laughter. Holy crap I must be crazy at this point, what am I going to do when I find a person or a village?

Cry.

Crying sounded like a great idea, besides might get some pity points considering I look like I just escaped my kidnapper. Which was a very good chance of actually being the case or not. Horray for not having a real backstory. Maybe I'm really an Uzumaki, that'd be great. Would explain why I actually want ramen. How the hell was that shit genetic?

Now then which direction to choose on the road.

"Left or right, right or left?" I mumbled glaring up at the sun. It rose somewhere to my right which meant I wouldn't be going south, but finding the ocean was also a good way to find people, and I'd rather not end up in Suna. Temari was there, and I'd rather avoid the woman responsible for my canon death.

If she killed me I might stay dead.

"To the Ocean then!" Worst-case scenario I die, best case scenario I end up at a beach episode. Wait… shit. I'm a redheaded Tsundere. I am the beach episode.

I walked along that path for hours, constantly checking over my shoulder in case there was some giant (really even medium sized) creature that was wanting to have a light snack, or even worse, bandits, which the Naruto world was known for and often used in edge fics to get Naruto's first kill because edge! My salt is unending.

Then at long last, I found what I was looking for. Or at least a good sign. Cart tracks and horse shit decorated the dirt road that was worn flat from heavy use. Where there was traffic, there was trade, where there was trade there were people. Just at the end of my field of vision, I saw a cart pulled by some kind of a horse, maybe a donkey or a mule. I'm not a horseologist.

My heart was racing and I ran towards him, letting my legs carry me faster than they ever had before, and with much more ease. I cleared at least one hundred meters before I could count to twenty. Ninja bodies were awesome. Shame I couldn't figure out how to use cool stuff like chakra.

When I got there I saw an old couple with their old workhorse and a package of grain on the back of their old cart. It was the roadside repair trope, but instead of a tire, it was a wooden wheel. I don't get this universe, I had a working light bulb in Orochimaru's sewers but people can't even get a car. Guess cars didn't matter too much when there was ninja that could fly.

The old woman was grunting as she tried to lift the wagon up high enough so her husband could put on the spare wheel.

"Come on Yuna, just a bit more," He whistled when he spoke.

Yuna gave a whine, her wrinkled face red and puffy.

Without so much as a thought, I rushed over and lifted up another side of the cart. It was lighter than I thought it would be. Felt like I could probably flip it over the horse if I wanted to.

"Perfect!" the old man, slammed the wheel on beating in with a hammer. "Told'ya we could do it Yuna," He paused smiling at his wife. It left when he looked at me. "Wait, where'd you come from?"

"I'm lost" I admitted with a shrug still holding the cart up. It was a lot easier than changing a tire. "And I saw you guys, do you know which way Konoha is?"

"Konoha?" The man spat, hammering the wheel extra hard and giving it a spin. Looked like it was fixed. "You ain't one of them ninja are yew?"

"Uhh, no, I just have family there." I wasn't lying, I was acting. There's a difference. Besides, I took my shame out back and shot it when I was sixteen. Well, most of it.

"Bah," The old man waved me off. I really wanted to call him Tidus. Screw it he was Tidus now. Without another word, Tidus marched over to the front of his cart and took his seat. "Come on Yuna lets get going."

"Dear," Yuna scowled, glaring at her husband. "Don't be such a prick, let's help the poor girl out."

"Bah." He sounded fun.

"If you want to get to Konoha, you're on the right road, but the wrong direction." Yuna stepped around to the side reaching into a flap covered part of the cart and rummaged around for a moment. "One moment, I know I have a map in here somewhere."

"What? You ain't given that girl our map."

"Oh please, it's not like you used it. Besides she helped us out the least we could do was return the favor."

"I did so use that map."

"Really when?"

"A month ago to blow my nose."

Yuna rolled her eyes and continued to dig until at long last she pulled out a folded piece of paper. And yes, there was a tried booger on it. She unfolded the map, it was well drawn all things considered, a few landmarks dotted it, but most roads and cities, I also found out that I could read!

"Here you go sweetheart, we're on this road here," She pointed towards a road that ran along the nations northern border, all the way to a small seaport. She then dragged her finger westward along the map where two roads intersected. "You want to get on this road here and then follow it to here." Another large crossroad. "From there you'll follow this road until you get to here." she pointed towards a place on the map with a road but no city. Well, at least it was kind of a hidden village.

"Thank you so much," I bowed at my waste earning a chuckle from Yuna.

"No no, sweety, thank you, nowhere take this map and best of luck to you."

"Hold up!" Tidus barked and glared at me. "Yew got any money girly?"

It was probably fair to ask for money, maps were probably expensive even if it was used as a snot rag. But I left my wallet back in that hell hole. "No, I don't sir."

"Bah," he sneered looking forward once again. "Yuna, give'er one of yer pies."

My stomach growled and I felt my mouth water. There were only two types of pie I liked back in my original life. But at this point, I'd be happy to eat anything that wasn't going to kill me. And a pie hasn't done that before! I placed my hand over my stomach.

"I'll make that two," Yuna whispered and offered me a wink.

I waited until I parted ways with the couple before I began to eat. The pie. It wasn't like a sweet pie, more like a pot pie or a doughnut stuffed with a stew or something. And it was without a doubt the most amazing thing I'd eaten. The crust was thick, crunchy on the outside and soft in the center where it melded with the insides to create a mouthwatering feast that left me hungry for more.

With one of the pies safely wrapped in a bit of cloth and a map in my hand, I smiled this was by far the longest I had gone without dying. I met someone that didn't want to kill me I ate some good food and I knew how to get to Konoha now. It's been a pretty good day.

My body already tingled with energy and I felt like I could run a mile with ease. I probably could. So, why not run all the way to Konoha?


	5. Welcome to Konoha!

It felt like my legs had been dipped in burning oil for the last few hours. Running had been both the right choice and the wrong choice. Right in that it the sun was getting low in the sky, but wrong in that I wanted to die. Well not actually I wanted to collapse into a bed and sleep for like a day, mostly because I think that my legs were about to fall off.

To make matters worse the sole of my sandal shoe thing broke like a mile back so I've been stumbling, grumbling, and bumbling along a road that cut through the forest for the past two hours. The forest itself was rather pretty, and the trees were actually just kind of fucking massive, and this coming from someone that grew up in the redwoods.

With every step, I took I half expected some giant animal to appear and eat my fucking face off. But thankfully that hadn't happened yet, probably because of the ninja, it wouldn't make sense for a potential client to get murdered on the way to their village. Not that I had money. Just an extensive knowledge of the Naruto universe that I was going to be abusing.

Still, I haven't seen anybody of note on my way to the village. Or anyone really. Like the road was super empty. Was I do something wrong? Maybe there was some super genjutsu around the village that made people get lost on their way to the village? Probably not. Again, that didn't make any sense economically.

Didn't Orochimaru say the chunin exams were coming up soon? Was that why? That couldn't be it, there'd be a bunch of other ninja heading towards Konoha, one of which was the girl that was supposed to kill me in canon. But still Konoha was probably the safest place for me. Suna was a flat out no, because well, I could burn on a cloudy day before I got here, and somehow I was even paler!

Wait I'd been in the sun all day. Why wasn't I a lobster?

Mizu was just no because, well, they're in the middle of a revolution or something right? I'm fairly certain that's one of the worst times to move somewhere. And Iwa was basically a rock in the middle a wasteland. Lastly, Kumo, I'm accident prone, I don't mean the cute kind either I'm talking about, the 'why the fuck are you bleeding from your forehead, you just woke up' kind of accident prone.

I had a scar from putting on a seatbelt.

So yes, despite everything Konoha was the safest place for me. Besides, the trees reminded me of home…. Well, the home I saw whenever I looked out my window or dared to go outside for.

That and I know the most about Konoha, best to go where I'm familiar with things and people. That and I really wanted ramen. I didn't even like ramen! But here I am nearly salivating at the word. Ramen chief would probably be a pretty safe career choice, get in good with one of the most powerful ninja in the world while he was still young and bam.

But I sucked at cooking. And dishes. And it sounded like a lot of work.

I was good with kids… well good enough that I was paid for it. Did ninja need math? Was there a public school? Wait, that sounded a bad idea, I quit for a reason. And being a ninja was just kind of a flat out no. I should become an author! Now that was a good idea!

I'll just convert some of my fanfictions, like Sound of Freedom, and other stuff, I just had to change the names and stuff.

Alright, good game plan. I wonder how much being an informant paid.

"Son of a fuck nugget!" I stepped on a sharp rock. "Shit!" I began to fall to the side, remember the part where I said I was clumsy? Exhibit A. I stab and trip myself on the only rock in the middle of a road. Knowing my luck this was where I fall and crack my head open and I start back over.

"Yosh!" Oh god. Really? I was going to be saved by him of all people? It's not that I had anything wrong with the guy, but my introvert soul was already depleted just thinking about dealing with him. "Fear not! The Handsome Devil of the Hidden Leaf Village: Rock Lee has arrived!"

His teeth were actually blinding.

The foot that I currently wasn't hemorrhaging blood out of was still touching the floor, but Rock Lee's arms had me from around the shoulder and thigh. I still clutched my bleeding foot but managed to smile. "Uhh, thanks."

"Anything for a beautiful young woman such as yourself," did he communicate via teeth flashes. Also I needed to get him a fedora. "Would you like me to dress your wound?"

"Knock yourself out stud." I rolled my eyes as he placed me down onto the ground. "So are you a ninja? Shouldn't you be with your squad or something?"

Not that I wanted to meet them or anything. Holy crap my brain is turning into a tsundere. Tenten would be okay, and Neji would be like hanging out with the angry emo kids that always sat on the steps behind the cafeteria at school. Before I could blink Rock Lee had a ball of gauze and was wrapping it around my foot like a pro.

"Yes I am, I wanted to challenge myself so I decided to race my rival Neji to a hand race back to Konoha!" He stopped the bleeding and my foot already felt better. "But may I get your name fair maiden?"

"It's Tayuya, and thanks. I should be able to make it to-"

"Yosh!" Fuck round two. "Lee! My Youthful student! I am so proud that you stopped to help someone in need!" Might Gai looked like a buffer version of Bruce Lee that put extra points in chin power. Also, while the green suit was indeed skintight, he was sensible enough to be wearing a cup, and it was actually kind of bulky. "And what was your name young lady?"

"Gai-sensei, weren't you listening?" Tenten bounced up behind her sensei. She was actually kind of cute for a thirteen-year-old girl. Which as someone that was closer to Gai's age I really shouldn't be thinking. At least mentally, physically I was slightly older than her. Maybe even the same age. Hmm, nope morals wouldn't allow it. "She said her name was Tayuya."

"Sup," I gave them a small wave doing my best to suppress my inner bitch. This was going to end badly for me. "You guys coming home from a mission or something?"

"Indeed!" Rock Lee stood, helping me up in the process, still hurt like fuck to walk on my foot. "Are you headed to Konoha as well? If so I would ask that you go out on a date with me!"

"What you fancy redheads or something?" I couldn't help but jab in the side. "I must admit you have good taste in hair color, but no, I'm not interested in boys."

The three young ninja blushed, yes even Neji, I'm marking that one down as a win.

Gai spun around offering a thumbs up. "Ahh, the springtime of youth is in full bloom with you!" His smile died, "But I must ask why are you heading towards Konoha?"

I was reminded that this was Might Gai, the guy that at his maximum power kick literally faster than light. And that crushing me would be like splatting a juicy bug. And he was a jounin. Probably was good at telling when people lied even if he was bad with names. "I umm, want to talk to the Hokage?"

He raised a giant eyebrow at me.

"I, umm, have some information I want to tell the Hokage, in exchange for protection." I winced taking a step back. I reached behind me and dropped the three Kunai I had. "See I'm unarmed, well unless you count a flute as a deadly weapon, which it might be because I can't actually play it."

"Come on Gai-sensei, go easy on her." Tenten, who was still blushing, tugged on her sensei's jacket. "Just look at her she looks like she's been through a lot."

"Nah, it's no-big-deal, he's just trying to make sure I'm not trying to do anything too bad, which is fair considering how I'm an escapee from Orochimaru," All four of them grew silent at that. "Yep, risked life and limb" Actually mostly life, surprisingly my limbs were rather attached to me. "To travel all the way here to tell them about some traitors, his vague location and-"

Gai's hand clasped over my mouth. "Has anybody ever told you, you have a big mouth?" He gave a sigh. "If you really do have information on Orochimaru I will take you to the Hokage, now hold on tightly."

He tossed me on his shoulder like I was a sack of potatoes. "Hey wait, what are you doing? Put me down! I can walk! I'm afraid of heights! And going fast! And you smell funny! Put me down!"

"Nonsense!" He laughed, getting down into a running pose. "You're as light as a feather! Like this, I'll be able to get you to the Hokage before you even blink an eye."

"That's what I'm afraid of! Put me down you jack ass! When you get into a wheelchair because you're stupid and crazy I'm going to push you down a hill and laugh!" Despite the fact that he could kick my ass in a wheelchair. Hell, if prior experiences are any indication, wheelchairs can kick my ass.

"Neji, Lee, Tenten, I will meet you at the tower!"

"Wait!" I kicked, screamed, hit, and clawed at him. Desperate to try and get away before take off. I was stuck onto the shoulder of a literal rocket ship that was-

Approximately seven Gs of force hit me all at once and I saw the landscape fade to black, then pop back when the gates of Konoha were behind him. Then again. And again. Until I was somehow sitting in front of the Hokage.

He was flanked on several sides by Anbu, and Gai was nowhere to be seen. How did I get here? Why was I here?

"Greetings," Hiruzen Sarutobi folded his hands a warm smile on his face. "I understand you have some information regarding my student Orochimaru?"


End file.
